Like a river runs

Two years ago I was having a really stressful time in my life.

I had to defend my PhD thesis while my niece was in the newborn intensive care.

Her immune system didn't really work well, and we tried to protect her at all cost. But she passed away four months later.

After her passing, we had the most stressful time in 2017, while grieving, and confused and hurt and with all that tension and disappointment.

I had been through some pretty rough stuff before, but this was the most difficult thing I had to go through in my entire life.

But this year, I just feel different.

Tomorrow is her birthday, the date she was born, two years ago. Last year I was still a complete mess - there was a lot of other stuff along with the grief, but this year, I decided to do something.

I made up a video with photos from my sister pregnant, with my niece while she was with us and with photos from after her death, with all the amazing support and love we got from many different and awesome people.

It has become something I treasure a lot, because it described our trajectory as a family and gives some feeling of a cycle to it - with begging, middle and end.

So, this year...instead of been really afraid of the day tomorrow, when she would turn two years old - and I know I would be sad and suffer emotionally and physically from all the tension related to it...but no.

I actually want tomorrow to come. I'm excited about it. I'm going to publish the video and show it to my sister and it will demonstrate all our love. And it's gonna make us feel so good, and I know everyone else will love it too.

Love. At the end of the day, it's all that matters. Life is whisper, a glance, and all we take from it is the love we have got. It's the only thing that keeps us moving forward.

Love you Cecília <3

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When I fall asleep I can see your face
What I lost in you I will not replace
And I could run away, I could let them down
And I know you're gone but still

I will remember your light

And if you see me in the darkness
I hope you know I'm not alone
Carry you with every breath I take
And I won't let up, I won't let up, no...

Until the wind is gone

1st song: Sleep on the Floor (The Lumineers)
2nd song: Like a River Runs (Bleachers)